Looking Behind

F3 Visual Effects at FSU - Week 7

Thorin: Where did you go, if I may ask?

Gandalf: To look ahead.

Thorin: What brought you back?

Gandalf: Looking behind.

As I write these weekly posts, I have been making efforts to try as best I can to stick to content related to visual effects and my problem solving process when it comes to the new challenges that each week brings.  But this week I want to dig into my headspace a little, if for no other reason to clear my head by writing what's inside of it down.

As with anything in life, an important and critical skill set to have is to be able to stay focused and work clearly despite what difficulties you might be going through.  (Bringing this point up in a sentence is simply my way of justifying this blog post ;) )  I've been feeling a little discouraged and drained lately.  I'm not sure why and there's no clear emotion or cause for me point at.  But between some difficult situations involving other students, the monotony of the lab, some things going on back home, and the constant struggle of becoming a better artist I've just felt a little down lately.

One thing I think I've pinpointed is that in my more recent work, I am missing some of the raw joy of creativity that I used to feel.  I was just scrubbing through the first "real" short film I made in high school, called "PCRT211", and was missing how much fun I had making it.  It was just me and a camera, a couple friends for actors, and an iMac with Final Cut.  Similarly I was thinking back on weekends where I would spend literally hours upon hours on Video Copilot doing Andrew Kramer's tutorials and beginning to craft my own aesthetic.  It was a blast, and purely raw creative expression.

This school has conditioned me to question and question and question every creative decision I make.  And for the most part, I think that is a GREAT thing, because it makes my work BETTER.  But, I am also coming to realize that it's really important to look back and remember where I came from and why I'm doing this in the first place, and sometimes just putting pencil to paper (or mouse to photoshop document) and starting to freeform something - anything - is super important.  This might be one reason I love playing music.  I am not a serious aspiring music professional like I am a serious aspiring filmmaker, so when I sit down to jam on my guitar or piano or drums, I am not really thinking about anything - I'm just playing.  I don't ever consciously decide to hit the third, the fifth, or the seventh.  It just happens.  And if it sounds awesome it sounds awesome and if it doesn't it doesn't. And if it doesn't I keep playing and having fun until it does.

So I am going to be working hard over the next few weeks and definitely into the summer to create things for fun.  To remember why I want to be an artist and to find the great spiritual joy that comes deep inside from creating things I really enjoy.  There's a lot more to that than just lighting a shot to a visually pleasing aesthetic or simulating a dust blast competently or compositing a spaceship scene.

What's strange is that right now in this very moment I know more about filmmaking than I ever have in my entire life - and yet I'm trying to find the inner voice I had in high school when I made "PCRT211".  What's really ironic is that I believe the very fact that I recognize that is part of what makes me today a better filmmaker than I was then.

I'll finish off the post with some stills from "PCRT211", based on the short story "The Pedestrian" by Ray Bradbury.  Unfortunately, this film was taken offline by the Bradbury estate for copyright infringement.